I was praying one morning recently for God’s help to guide me away from the paths of thought and actions that take me down. I had been wrestling lately with old sin and losing the battle.
I do not often get so personal on this blog, but God knows all. He knows my heart, my thoughts, my actions – everything. He knows the words I speak before I even say them (or write them as the case may be). Nothing is hidden from Him.
I do have people who are close to me who I confide in and help me sort through these things. Still, being so personal is hard.
To get to the point, I have been married for 38 years as of November, but my wife informed me last June that she hasn’t been happy in a long time, and she moved out. I have been sad and depressed since she left.
Her leaving, and the present silence and emptiness in my life without her have filled my thoughts and haunted my waking hours since then. I have spent most of my life working to support my family. Our kids are out on their own now, and I was beginning to let myself think about retirement for us.
Now, everything has changed. At the age of 63, I am adrift. My future is uncertain. I am sad for her, and I am sad for me and I fear the future will not be easy for either of us.
I doubt she will not be happier now. I have often said and believe that the grass isn’t always greener….. But, she doesn’t seem to see it that way. Perhaps, she is willing to trade one kind of unhappiness for another.
Maybe I haven’t been happy myself for a long time, but I don’t really think about it. I have come to believe that happiness is fleeting. I can live with unhappiness. I would rather search for a joy that lasts forever than settle for mere happiness that is here today and gone tomorrow.
Maybe that attitude doesn’t make for a good marriage. I don’t know. I do know that I am no hero in this story. I have failed in many ways, and my failures hang like a dark cloud over me. They threaten to crush me.
I have not written much since June because of these things. I haven’t had the inspiration or the energy to write. Yet, I feel God called me to write, so I am trying to plod on.
I don’t want to dwell on these thoughts, but this is where I was when I approached God one recent morning. My failures, disappointments, regret and other negative emotions are ever before me, and they threaten to undo me.
Not the least of which is the gravitational pull to give in to old ways of thinking and to succumb to old habits. I have at various times lost the will to overcome and fallen back, and I have despaired in my falling back.
As I asked God to help me, to rescue me from my thoughts that threaten to take me down, a verse I read in my daily Bible reading that morning seeped back into my conscious thoughts, and I engaged with it:
“And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood.”
Genesis 7:7 NIV
Noah, who was said to be “blameless in his generation”, was saved from the judgment of God by building an ark. That ark was the vessel that lifted Noah and his family above the waters and carried them on to safety.Continue reading “The Importance of Building Your Ark as God Instructs”