Last night, I was texting with a good friend who asked me if was OK. The back story is that my wife of almost 40 years decided she was not happy in our marriage, and she left me about two years and three months ago. I tried for about 6 months to seek reconciliation with her, but she had made-up her mind.
Since she left, I have gone through cycles of grief, depression, and numbness. I have battled anger, bitterness, and resentment. I have alternately gravitated between guilt and in self-justification
She filed for divorce a month ago, but I have been in limbo for over 2 years. I have felt out of sorts, off balance, and stuck. Neither of us can afford to keep the house and maintain it alone, so I have been clearing out 40 years worth of stuff, and I am living right now in a house with very little in it but boxes, two cats and a dog.
Though it was clear that she didn’t want to try to salvage our marriage, I hoped that we wouldn’t have to involve lawyers. I was hoping we could talk and come to an agreement on how to unravel ourselves without lawyers, but she stopped communicating with me (for the most part) when she left.
My attempts to open channels of communication have largely not been reciprocated, other than short, incomplete answers. Thus, I have felt stuck for over 2 years. Now the lawyers are involved, and it is out of my control (not that I was ever in control to begin with).
I have continued in my daily Bible reading. I could write very little for a long time, and whatever I wrote was a labor and a chore. I have continued to be faithful to the local church I attend, attending weekly small groups and Bible studies, as I can, and I continue to be involved in Administer Justice, a faith-based legal aid organization. I have continued to lean on God and lean into his presence in my life (more or less successfully at times), so I am doing OK
Thus, when my friend and sister in Christ asked me if I am doing OK, I said with honesty, “Yes, but I feel like I need to move on, and I need to regain my footing. I have been in limbo for over 2 years. I wish I could be content in my circumstances, but I am not there.”
As God would have it, read the following passage in my daily reading plan for the year this morning:
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NET
As I sit here stunned by the timing of this reading, I am struck that contentment is a choice that we make. It doesn’t just happen to us. We choose to be content in our circumstances.
Perhaps, it doesn’t mean that we must feel contentment. Perhaps it simply means that we choose to be content, to stop complaining, to stop waiting for things to change, to “seize the day”, as the popular saying goes, to let go of the excuses for why I am not doing everything I can do to be who God made me to be today.
I got out of bed this morning after reading these things and meditating on them, and I chose to worship God and praise Him instead of listening to a podcast, as I often do, while getting ready for the short ride into the office. God was with me as I offered a “sacrifice of praise”.
It was a sacrifice of praise, because I didn’t feel like praising Him! I often don’t, and it’s easier to occupy my mind with podcasts and music. There is nothing wrong with that, but I realized this morning that I need to be more intentional. I need to choose to be content and to praise God even when I don’t feel like it.
Navigating by Faith 